In a shock move that’s sure to upset Ian Fleming traditionalists, Hollywood’s hottest double agent, James Bond, is set to “explode out of the closet” in the next 007 epic: From Russia with Man Love.
“It’s time for a gay Bond,” said an insider. “Idris Elba as a black Bond simply isn’t shocking enough any more. FRWML will portray Bond as an oppressed gay man, who simply used womanising and boozing as a cover story. The new Bond will drop the Martinis – and instead dance the macarena”.
007 will use on-point 2023 Xe/Xir pronouns, and will battle to end global homophobia – but only in Russia.
Our insider said: “We don’t want to address latent homophobia in China or the Middle East, where being gay can get you executed. Hollywood learned to its peril that if you challenge these regimes it’s bad for box office. Look at Top Gun!”
Set on the war-torn Ukraine/Russia border, FRWML could feature a sensational cameo appearance from President Zelensky, who, in a return to his reality TV days, is set to dust off his PVC high-heeled boots for an “intimate” dance with Bond.
On the subject of Bond’s sidekicks, insiders have promised “to really put the Queer into Q,” as well as proposing Agents L, G, B and T, “to address the specific oppressions faced by the gay and trans community”.
A range of “fabulous” gadgets are expected to include a Mont Blanc fountain pen that conceals a Pride-themed glitter bomb to blind enemies, and exploding “intimate toys”.
Vladimir Putin will be portrayed as an “oppressed, in the closet gay man, using oppression of the LGBTQ community to make sense of his own latent gayness”.
The movie’s dramatic finale will have echoes of the 2016 Olympics opener when Bond skydived with the late Queen into. Only this time, Bond will skydive into the Kremlin in a Pride-themed parachute – seen here in this exclusive artist’s impression leaked to Upper Lip.
“The jury is still out” on who Bond will kiss. Putin or Zelensky? But one thing’s for sure: From Russia With Man Love is set to be the sassiest Bond movie ever!