Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer has unveiled his latest plan to tackle the small boats crisis: by introducing luxury ferries to ferry asylum seekers across the Channel in style.
Dubbed the “Starmer Solution,” the plan promises to transform the perilous journey across the Channel into a first-class experience, complete with gourmet dining, plush cabins, and even a live cabaret performance by none other than national treasure Jane McDonald.
“We understand that desperate times call for desperate measures,” Sir Keir announced at a press conference, flanked by a life-sized cutout of a luxury liner. “But there’s no reason these journeys can’t be made more pleasant. By offering a five-star ferry service, we can ensure safety, comfort, and, most importantly, reduce the reliance on those dangerous small boats.”
Critics, however, are scratching their heads at the practicality of Starmer’s latest brainwave. “It’s as if he’s taken the phrase ‘floating voter’ a bit too literally,” quipped one political commentator. “What’s next, a cruise ship for the housing crisis?”
The Labour leader was quick to highlight the added cultural benefits of his plan. “And to truly make our new arrivals feel welcome, we’ve booked Jane McDonald to perform nightly cabaret acts on each ferry. Because nothing says ‘Welcome to Britain’ like a good old-fashioned sing-along.”
McDonald, known for her voyages on the popular TV show “Cruising with Jane McDonald,” expressed her excitement about the new gig. “It’s a privilege to be part of this groundbreaking initiative,” she said. “I can’t wait to share a bit of British hospitality with those seeking refuge.”
The plan has sparked a flurry of reactions on social media, with some users applauding Starmer’s creative approach and others wondering if it’s all an elaborate April Fool’s joke that arrived a few months early.
Meanwhile, government officials are reportedly considering their own counter-plan, rumored to involve red, white, and blue speedboats and a fleet of celebrity chefs.
As the debate rages on, one thing is certain: Sir Keir Starmer has certainly made waves with his latest policy proposal. Whether it will sink or swim remains to be seen. But for now, asylum seekers can look forward to a journey that’s anything but ordinary.
