Democrats have launched a scathing attack on former President Donald Trump, accusing him of being “weird” for his apparent failure to surround himself with a group of obese, naked, transgender Smurfs.
“Honestly, it’s just bizarre,” said Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “I mean, every progressive leader knows that having a diverse group of overweight, unclothed, gender-fluid Smurfs is the bare minimum for inclusivity these days. The fact that Trump has never even mentioned them just proves how out of touch he is.”
The critique came after a thorough analysis of Trump’s public appearances and personal entourage. Not one single Smurf, obese or otherwise, was found among his advisors, golf buddies, or rally attendees. This, according to sources, is deeply troubling to the left.
“It’s 2024! We can’t have a leader who’s stuck in the past, surrounded by ordinary humans and lacking even a single transgender Smurf,” said CNN anchor Don Lemon, visibly distressed. “What message does that send to our children?”
Nancy Pelosi, visibly irked, took to the House floor to address what she called Trump’s “astonishingly narrow social circle.”
“Not only did he fail to adopt the new standard of obese, naked, transgender Smurf companionship,” she said, “but he also continues to associate with people who, dare I say, wear clothes! It’s archaic, it’s regressive, and quite frankly, it’s not the America we want to live in.”
Meanwhile, MSNBC ran a special segment exploring the cultural significance of transgender Smurfs and their vital role in American political symbolism.
“Smurfs have been a symbol of harmony and environmental awareness for decades,” explained one expert, “and by not embracing transgender Smurfs who are also body-positive and liberated from the constraints of clothing, Trump is clearly rejecting the values that unite us.”
Trump, never one to shy away from controversy, responded on Truth Social, stating: “I love Smurfs! But the Democrats are obsessed with things that don’t matter. Who needs obese transgender Smurfs when we have the best economy, the best military, and the biggest rallies? SAD!”
In a surprising twist, political insiders reveal that President Biden is reportedly considering adopting a whole clan of transgender Smurfs to bolster his next campaign. “It’s the future of politics,” commented a senior Biden advisor. “If we want to stay ahead of the curve, we need to embrace this fully.”
As the 2024 election looms closer, one thing is clear: The battle lines have been drawn, and they’re painted a very vivid shade of blue.
Disclaimer: No actual Smurfs were harmed in the making of this satire.
