Local woman Susan Fairbanks was sentenced to 6 months in prison after making the grave error of expressing her dissatisfaction with Labour leader Keir Starmer’s new haircut in a social media post. The 43-year-old mother of two is the first to be convicted under the new “Don’t Say Anything Mean About Keir Starmer Act” that Parliament quietly passed last week.
Her crime? A simple Facebook post that read: “I don’t really like Keir Starmer’s new haircut.” That was enough to trigger the newly established “Starmer Insult Police” (SIP), a branch of law enforcement specifically designed to crack down on any comments that may undermine Starmer’s leadership aura or personal grooming choices.
The arrest came swiftly. “We saw the post, and frankly, it was a disgrace,” said Chief Inspector Wokeham of the SIP. “Her comment undermines democracy itself. If we allow people to mock haircuts, who knows where it will end? Democracy simply cannot survive such an assault.”
Fairbanks’ neighbors were left stunned as a SWAT team arrived in full riot gear to detain her. “I couldn’t believe it,” said one witness. “One minute, she’s making tea, the next she’s being carted off for what I can only assume was an attempt to topple the government.”
In court, Fairbanks’ defense lawyer argued for leniency, citing her previous history of innocuous hair-related comments about other public figures, but the judge was unsympathetic. “Criticizing the Labour leader’s haircut is tantamount to sedition in today’s political climate,” the judge stated. “This is not the 90s when politicians’ personal styles were fair game. We now live in a civil society where the hairstyle of Sir Keir is sacred.”
Labour Party officials, who recently classified criticism of Starmer’s personal appearance as “hate speech,” praised the court’s decision. “Keir’s haircut represents the very essence of modern Britain—sharp, progressive, and a little bit awkward,” one party spokesperson explained. “To criticize it is to criticize the future of this great nation.”
In a press release, the Prime Minister’s office expressed approval of the sentencing, warning citizens to think twice before posting any potentially “offensive” remarks about the Labour leader’s well-groomed locks. “Let this be a lesson,” the statement read. “Keir Starmer’s haircut is above reproach. And, next time, just hit ‘like.’”
Social media platforms are now considering adding a special “haircut appreciation” button exclusively for posts about Starmer to prevent further tragedies.
As for Fairbanks, she has reportedly asked for clemency, expressing regret for her actions and promising to only share flattering memes about Starmer’s impeccable parting from now on. Her sentencing serves as a powerful reminder to the nation: When it comes to the Labour leader’s coiffure, you’d better keep your opinions to yourself—or face the consequences.
