Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky announced this morning that Ukraine will be deploying troops to Britain in an effort to liberate the British people from the iron grip of what he described as their “communist dictator,” Sir Keir Starmer.
In a press conference, Zelensky stated, “Britain has been under the tyranny of Starmer for far too long. His iron-fisted rule, marked by the harsh enforcement of social media etiquette and mandatory gender studies for all, has left the British people oppressed and longing for freedom. We have heard their cries, and Ukraine will not stand idly by.”
Zelensky, fresh off his victories against Russian forces, seems confident about his new international campaign. “If I can beat Putin, I can beat Starmer,” he declared with a grin. “Putin’s KGB tactics were child’s play compared to Starmer’s Twitter mobs and cancel culture brigades.”
While many might see Starmer as a moderate politician, Zelensky insists that the Labour leader’s secret stash of hammer-and-sickle flags and a fondness for Karl Marx’s lesser-known novels tells a different story. “We’ve seen this before,” Zelensky warned. “First, they make you put your pronouns in your email signature. Next thing you know, you’re on a collective farm, waiting in line for your turn at the communal Wi-Fi.”
Reports suggest that Ukrainian forces are already preparing for the operation, which has been dubbed “Operation Red Dawn 2: Electric Boogaloo.” British citizens have been advised to brace for a wave of freedom, brought to them in the form of Eastern European soldiers who’ve had quite enough of authoritarianism in their own country and are eager to take on the challenge abroad.
Meanwhile, Starmer’s office has dismissed the threat, with an official statement saying, “Sir Keir has faced many challenges, but Ukrainian soldiers storming Westminster wasn’t on our bingo card.”
Political analysts are eagerly watching to see how this bold move plays out, with many noting that a victory over Starmer could have major implications for Labour’s position in the next general election. “This could really shake things up,” said one analyst. “If Ukraine succeeds, we might see the first-ever overseas regime change brought about by a nation that doesn’t even vote in British elections.”
The British people, however, are divided on the prospect of Ukrainian intervention. Some are excited at the idea of finally being “liberated” from mandatory veganism and forced recycling, while others are concerned about the potential cultural clash. “Will they make us drink vodka instead of tea?” one concerned citizen asked.
As Ukraine’s troops prepare to descend upon the UK, only time will tell whether Zelensky’s gamble pays off—or if Starmer’s iron grip on Britain’s avocado toast supply remains unbroken.
