Sales of oil-based superglue have skyrocketed following Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s announcement of a more relaxed approach to the Net Zero emissions target. As the government takes its foot off the gas pedal on environmental regulations, it seems the British public has decided to do the same, quite literally – by gluing everything together with good old-fashioned petroleum by-products.
“It’s a brilliant move by Rishi,” exclaimed one enthusiastic shopper while stocking up on industrial-sized containers of superglue at a local hardware store. “Why worry about reducing emissions when you can just glue the emissions right where they belong? Problem solved!”
Indeed, the newfound popularity of oil-based superglue has led to some innovative applications. DIY enthusiasts have taken to sealing the gaps in their homes with it, creating an airtight environment that conserves energy by trapping all the heat and fumes indoors. Some even claim that by gluing their car exhaust pipes shut, they’ve achieved the ultimate carbon-neutral commute.
Environmental activists, however, are less than thrilled. They’ve staged “Super Glue-Ins” in protest, where they glue themselves to government buildings to demand stricter climate action. “It’s a sticky situation,” remarked one activist, quite literally stuck to the doors of Parliament.
In response to the uproar, Chancellor Sunak defended his decision, saying, “We’re all about innovation and finding creative solutions to complex problems. If that means the nation turns to superglue, so be it. It’s a bonding experience for all of us.”
Meanwhile, the adhesive industry is booming, with new, oil-based superglue startups popping up left and right. Some are even marketing their products as “Eco-Friendly” by claiming that their superglue is made from recycled oil spills.
As the nation sticks together, it’s clear that the UK is on the cutting edge of a glue-based revolution. Who needs Net Zero when you can just glue everything down and pretend climate change isn’t happening?
