OFCOM, the UK’s communications regulator, has announced a bold new initiative to maintain “balanced and impartial” broadcasting. Starting next month, GB News presenters who dare to express conservative views will face a penalty like no other: death by firing squad.
OFCOM’s spokesperson, Sir Reginald Prudington, held a press conference in front of a cheering crowd of left-wing activists. He declared, “We’ve had enough of those right-wing troublemakers over at GB News spreading their dangerous ideas about freedom and individual liberty. It’s time for them to face the consequences of their subversive reporting.”
The new penalty will be implemented with the utmost fairness, OFCOM assures. Presenters will be given a fair trial consisting of a panel of distinguished judges, all of whom have subscribed to The Guardian for at least a decade. The judges will consider factors such as the presenter’s tone of voice, the number of times they use the word “freedom,” and whether they dare to mention the words “limited government.”
Once found guilty, the presenter will be transported to a specially designed studio where a squad of highly trained, tofu-eating, eco-warrior marksmen will line up with their organic, sustainably sourced rifles. The firing squad will be required to wear recycled uniforms and biodegradable bullets, of course, to ensure the execution is environmentally friendly.
Proponents of the new penalty argue that it’s a necessary step to protect the public from dangerous conservative ideas. “GB News has been spreading extremist views like limited government, free-market capitalism, and individual rights for too long,” said one jubilant activist. “It’s about time they face the consequences of their thought crimes.”
However, critics suggest that the penalty might be a tad extreme. “I mean, couldn’t they just suspend their broadcasting license or something less… permanent?” asked one concerned citizen.
But OFCOM remains resolute. “This is a matter of national security,” Prudington declared. “We simply can’t allow such extreme ideas to permeate our airwaves. Death by firing squad is the only way to ensure that GB News presenters never trouble us with their conservative nonsense again.”
In response to the news, GB News presenters have reportedly started stockpiling copies of George Orwell’s “1984” and Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” in anticipation of their impending doom. As for the rest of the world, they can only watch in bewilderment as Britain takes another bold step in its quest for media impartiality.