London Mayor Sadiq Khan has unveiled a groundbreaking solution to boost the city’s coffers: the “Knife Victim Tax.” Under this innovative scheme, individuals unfortunate enough to experience the sharp end of criminal activity will now have the distinct honor of contributing financially to the city’s welfare.

The tax, set at a modest £30 per puncture wound, will be the latest addition to London’s diverse revenue streams. For those who’ve endured major organ damage, the fee gracefully rises to £50. The move has been heralded as a triumph of creative governance, where victims of crime become unwitting benefactors of civic progress.

Sadiq Khan, the mastermind behind the scheme, defended the tax as a necessary step in achieving financial equilibrium. “In these trying times, we must think outside the box,” he declared. “Why let a perfectly good stabbing go to waste when we can turn it into an investment in our great city?”

Critics, however, argue that the tax might deter criminals from their generous contributions to the healthcare system. “If we start taxing victims, what’s next?” questioned one skeptic. “Parking fines for stolen cars?”

The “Knife Victim Tax” has already sparked heated debates across party lines, with some praising it as a bold move towards self-sufficiency and others seeing it as a cut too close to the bone. Only time will tell whether this novel approach to civic funding will be a stab in the dark or a slashing success.