A small-town postmaster has been discovered who, against all odds, hasn’t been horribly persecuted for years. The astonishing news has sent shockwaves through the political spectrum, leaving everyone wondering if they’ve slipped into an alternate reality.

In a world where every public servant seems to have a tale of woe and persecution, Postmaster Gary Thompson of Pleasantville is living an eerily uneventful life. Colleagues are baffled by his lack of scandals, controversies, or late-night talk show appearances detailing the hardships he’s endured.

“I kept waiting for the moment he would claim persecution, maybe write a tell-all book or at least tweet about it incessantly,” said one colleague. “But nope, he just goes about delivering the mail, minding his business.”

Thompson himself seems unfazed by the lack of adversity in his career. “I just wanted to deliver mail, you know? I didn’t sign up for the whole persecution thing. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.”

Some speculate that Thompson’s lack of persecution could be due to his uncanny ability to avoid controversy altogether. He refrains from making inflammatory statements on social media, doesn’t engage in heated debates about politics at the local diner, and, shockingly, has never organized a protest against the injustices he’s not facing.

Critics argue that Thompson’s refusal to play the victim card is a missed opportunity. “In this day and age, not claiming persecution is a surefire way to miss out on book deals, sympathy interviews, and possibly even a Netflix documentary,” remarked one pundit.

As the nation grapples with the shocking revelation of a postmaster who hasn’t been horribly persecuted, one can’t help but wonder: is this a glitch in the matrix, or has Gary Thompson cracked the code to a drama-free life in public service? Only time will tell if his approach catches on or if he’ll eventually succumb to the pressure of conforming to the persecution narrative like everyone else.