Sir Keir Starmer is reportedly considering a bold plan to ban heterosexual marriages. The Labour leader, known for his knack for progressive policies, is apparently eyeing a future where only more “enlightened” forms of unions, like same-sex marriages, take centre stage.

In what he’s calling a move towards “marriage equality,” Starmer argues that it’s time to shift away from the outdated institution of heterosexual unions and embrace a more diverse range of marital arrangements.

“Why limit ourselves to one man and one woman? It’s so last century,” Starmer exclaimed, seemingly undeterred by the potential backlash from those who still believe in the quaint idea of a traditional family unit.

The proposed ban on heterosexual marriages is part of Starmer’s grand vision for a more inclusive society, where even the institution of marriage is not exempt from the relentless march of progress. Rumor has it that he’s drafting a bill that would replace the words “husband” and “wife” with more gender-neutral terms like “spouse A” and “spouse B.”

Conservatives are responding with predictable outrage, accusing Starmer of dismantling the foundations of society. “First, they came for our straight marriages,” lamented one critic, “what’s next? Banning Sunday roasts and cricket?”

Starmer, however, remains unfazed, insisting that this move is a necessary step towards a future where every form of union is celebrated, as long as it aligns with the ever-evolving standards of progressivism.

As the political landscape gets weirder by the day, one can’t help but wonder what other “progressive” plans might be lurking in the depths of political imagination. Perhaps next, we’ll see a push for equal representation in Hogwarts houses or a campaign to make avocado toast the national dish. Only time will tell.