Sportswear giant Nike has once again decided to give the iconic England shirt a “playful” LGBTQ+ makeover. Because, you know, what better way to show your support for your national team than by turning their uniform into a kaleidoscope of social justice activism?

The new design, unveiled with all the fanfare of a pride parade, features an eye-searing array of colors, symbols, and slogans that seem more fitting for a float in a carnival than a football pitch. With rainbow stripes, glittering sequins, and slogans like “Love Wins” emblazoned across the chest, it’s safe to say that subtlety was not on the agenda for this fashion faux pas.

“We believe in inclusivity and diversity,” declared a Nike spokesperson, barely able to contain their enthusiasm. “And what better way to celebrate that than by turning the England shirt into a walking billboard for every cause under the sun?”

Critics of the new design have been quick to point out that while inclusivity is certainly important, there might be more appropriate ways to show support for the LGBTQ+ community than by turning a national sports uniform into a garish political statement.

“I just want to watch the football, not be bombarded with virtue signaling,” lamented one disgruntled fan. “Is that too much to ask?”

But fear not, traditionalists, for Nike has promised that they haven’t forgotten about you. In a nod to their more conservative customers, they’ve also released a limited edition “Straight Pride” version of the England shirt, featuring a tasteful beige color scheme and a slogan that simply reads: “Football.”

Because, let’s face it, when it comes to football, the only colours that really matter are the ones on the scoreboard.