Police Scotland has issued a dire warning that they’ll soon require a much larger correctional facility to accommodate the anticipated surge in prisoners. The reason? None other than Humza Yousaf’s controversial Hate Crime Bill, which they predict will ultimately lead to the imprisonment of most Scots.
“We’re not in the business of fearmongering, but let’s be real here,” stated a police spokesperson, struggling to suppress a nervous chuckle. “With the way things are going, we’ll soon need a jail the size of Loch Ness to house all the offenders.”
The Hate Crime Bill, spearheaded by Justice Secretary Humza Yousaf, has drawn sharp criticism from conservatives and free speech advocates who argue that its overly broad provisions could criminalize even the mildest forms of expression.
“It’s getting to the point where merely uttering the word ‘haggis’ could land you in the clink,” remarked one concerned citizen, eyeing his dinner with newfound suspicion.
According to leaked memos from Police Scotland, officers are preparing for a dramatic uptick in arrests for offenses ranging from “sideways glances” to “disagreeing with the weather forecast.” The prospect of a burgeoning prison population has left many scratching their heads and wondering if the authorities are preparing for a real-life episode of “Orange is the New Tartan.”
In response to the mounting concerns, Humza Yousaf dismissed the fears as “unfounded” and assured the public that the Hate Crime Bill is necessary to create a more inclusive and harmonious society.
But with Police Scotland already measuring inmates for kilts and preparing to add “haggis smuggling” to their list of felony offenses, it seems that the road to harmony may be paved with tartan handcuffs.
As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: if Police Scotland gets their wish for a bigger jail, it might just be the only thing in Scotland that’s bigger than Nessie herself.
