WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a display of ironclad logic, a man proudly sporting a triple-layer facemask took a moment out of his busy day to criticize former President Donald Trump for being “dramatic” after he was seen wearing an ear bandage following a highly-publicized shooting incident.
“It’s just classic Trump, isn’t it? Always making a big deal out of everything,” remarked the masked man, who insisted on staying at least 12 feet away from reporters, just to be safe. “I mean, I’ve been wearing this facemask for over three years now, and you don’t see me seeking attention. But Trump? Gets shot once and suddenly it’s all ‘look at me, I need a bandage!'”
The man, who reportedly still wears the facemask while alone at home just to “stay vigilant,” continued to rail against the former president. “Honestly, it’s just another example of how Trump exaggerates everything for sympathy. What’s next? Is he going to ask for a bulletproof vest because he thinks someone might take another shot at him? Theatrics, pure theatrics!”
Eyewitnesses confirmed that the man also criticized Trump for “playing the victim” and questioned whether the bullet was even real. “We’ve all been through a lot,” he continued, adjusting his mask to make sure it covered both his mouth and nose completely. “But you don’t see the rest of us milking it for attention. I mean, come on—an ear bandage? I’ve worn tighter N95s for longer.”
When asked if he thought the incident might warrant some medical attention, the masked critic shrugged. “Maybe, but does it really need to be so public? I mean, there’s a reason I don’t post about every time I get a paper cut or have to switch out my mask after a particularly sneezy day. Trump could learn a thing or two from us stoic types.”
Sources close to the situation have not confirmed whether Trump will continue to wear the bandage or opt for a more low-key approach to bullet wound recovery. However, the masked man was quick to offer some advice. “He should just put on a face shield and move on. That’s what I did when the pandemic started, and look at me now—still alive, still safe, and not making a big deal out of anything.”
In unrelated news, the man was later seen wiping down his grocery bags with disinfectant wipes while insisting the pandemic is “far from over” and blaming Trump for “overreacting” to things like gunshots, but not taking viruses seriously enough.
