The Conservative Party has launched an all-out search for the ideal candidate to lead them into the next general election—and promptly lose it.

According to insiders, the party’s elite are not just looking for any run-of-the-mill candidate, but someone with the perfect blend of charisma deficiency, policy confusion, and the unique ability to alienate every key voter demographic.

“We’ve had a great run,” said one senior Tory strategist. “But it’s time to give the other side a go. We’ve been through some amazing leaders, but what we need now is someone who can successfully torpedo any chances of a win. We’re looking for the anti-Churchill.”

The rigorous selection process reportedly involves a series of competency tests, including the ability to dodge direct questions, fumble through interviews, and issue statements that can be interpreted in 12 different ways—all at once.

“We’re especially excited about candidates with a history of flip-flopping on key issues,” the strategist continued. “Extra points if they can simultaneously propose tax hikes and spending cuts while promising to boost public services. It’s all about confusing the electorate just enough to drive them straight into the arms of Labour.”

Rumor has it that the frontrunner is someone who can seamlessly blend the persona of a Brexit enthusiast with the policies of a Remainer—because nothing says “I can lose this election” like alienating both sides of the divide.

“Public speaking skills are a big factor too,” added another party official. “The ability to sound both patronizing and clueless is key. We’re on the lookout for someone who can turn a simple yes or no question into a 15-minute incoherent monologue that makes voters forget what they even asked.”

In a statement to the press, the Tory leadership campaign manager emphasized the importance of finding the right balance. “We don’t want to lose by a landslide—just enough to hand over power gracefully. It’s all about maintaining our reputation as a party that can both win and lose with dignity.”

As the search continues, Tory members are reportedly encouraged to nominate any colleagues who display these essential qualities. The party remains optimistic that they will find the perfect candidate to lead them to the historic defeat they know the nation needs.

Stay tuned for further updates as the race to lose kicks into high gear.