England’s national football team manager, Gareth Southgate, has reportedly bulk-ordered an enormous quantity of brown paper bags ahead of the team’s inevitable exit from the Euros. The bemused coach insists this is all part of a well-thought-out strategy.
“It’s important to exit Germany with dignity. Or anonymity,” Southgate quipped during a recent press conference, holding up one of the plain brown bags. “You see, if we can’t win, the next best thing is to ensure we can slip away unnoticed.”
The bags, plain and unassuming, are reportedly designed to be worn over the heads of players, complete with eyeholes for navigating through throngs of disappointed fans. This innovative approach is intended to shield the squad from the public’s ire and paparazzi’s lenses as they make a hasty retreat from the pitch.
“Last time, we tried the whole ‘valiant effort’ thing,” Southgate continued, “but it turns out the public isn’t too keen on valiance when it doesn’t come with silverware. This time, we’re opting for a more understated approach.”
The move has sparked a flurry of reactions. Some supporters have taken to social media, expressing mixed feelings about Southgate’s peculiar preparation. One fan tweeted, “At least he’s planning ahead. #BrownBaggingIt,” while another lamented, “If only we were as prepared on the pitch as we are for the post-match debacle.”
Southgate’s assistant, who wished to remain anonymous (though probably not under a brown paper bag), explained the tactical genius behind this decision. “Look, it’s simple. If you can’t face the press, the fans, or the crushing reality of another lost tournament, you just don’t face them. Literally.”
Meanwhile, brown paper bag manufacturers are reportedly thrilled with the unexpected surge in orders. “We usually cater to school lunches and grocery stores,” said one delighted supplier. “It’s nice to see our products being put to use in such a creative, albeit somewhat tragic, manner.”
As the Euros approach, England fans can only hope that the team will surprise everyone, not with their headgear, but with their gameplay. However, the bags remain on standby, a silent yet poignant reminder of Southgate’s commitment to preparing for all eventualities—especially those involving an early exit.
And so, as the nation braces itself for the upcoming matches, one thing is certain: win or lose, the England squad will be covered. Quite literally.
