The British Army finds itself scratching its collective head as recruitment numbers continue to plummet. “We just don’t get it,” admitted a perplexed spokesperson. “We went all out with our recruitment strategy – we featured transgenders prominently in our adverts and urged everyone to feel bad about their country. Frankly, we’re stumped.”

The Army’s campaign, designed to appeal to a diverse and socially conscious audience, included a series of advertisements featuring soldiers from various backgrounds discussing their personal struggles with patriotism. “We thought we were hitting all the right notes,” said the spokesperson. “We even had soldiers passionately talking about how their loyalty to the nation was akin to their commitment to knitting – you know, weaving a stronger society and all that.”

However, the strategy seems to have backfired as recruitment numbers remain in the doldrums. “It’s a real head-scratcher,” continued the spokesperson. “We even tried appealing to those who wanted to join for the free WiFi at the barracks. We’ve got soldier influencers posting selfies with the caption ‘Defending my country while liking my latte.’ It’s a millennial dream!”

Despite their best efforts, the Army’s recruitment drive appears to have missed the mark. “Maybe next time we’ll just stick to showcasing the honour, duty, and camaraderie that soldiers experience,” the spokesperson mused. “It’s a radical idea, but it might just work.” In the meantime, the British Army remains undeterred, ready to defend the nation regardless of the challenges it faces on the home front – or the confusing directives of its marketing team.