It appears that the world has momentarily taken its eyes off the riveting saga of Dylan Mulvaney, the self-proclaimed trans man who embarked on a quest to revolutionise the world of artisanal kale smoothies. Instead, an unexpected demand has emerged in Bud Light focus groups: “We want cheerleaders. And monster trucks.”

Yes, you read that correctly. As society struggles to keep up with the ever-evolving demands of the woke left, it seems that the priorities have shifted faster than a gender-neutral pronoun in a college safe space. In an era where gender identity is as fluid as a millennial’s job prospects, who would have thought that the resounding cry would be for good ol’ fashioned cheerleading and thunderous monster trucks?

Amidst the chatter about intersectionality and cultural appropriation, it’s now abundantly clear that what marginalized groups truly desire is the heart-pounding spectacle of cheerleaders energetically chanting, “Gimme an M! Gimme an O! Gimme an N… nah, let’s just skip to ‘monster trucks’!”

And let’s not forget about those monstrous trucks. The epitome of eco-friendliness and carbon neutrality, these titans of transportation have become the symbol of progressive enlightenment. With every thunderous roar of their engines, they’re boldly proclaiming, “I care about climate change, but I also appreciate the raw power of fossil fuels.”

It’s a shame that Dylan Mulvaney, the trailblazing kale smoothie enthusiast, must take a back seat in this grand narrative. After all, why focus on a single individual’s journey of self-discovery and identity when we can have cheerleaders doing backflips and monster trucks crushing cars with the reckless abandon of an ideological echo chamber?

In the midst of this whirlwind, traditional gender pronouns have been temporarily suspended in favor of referring to everyone as “Captain Cheer” or “Monster Truck Maven.” Because who needs individuality when we can collectively bask in the glory of pom-poms and tire-screeching entertainment?

So, let’s raise our almond milk lattes to this brave new world where the woke left’s priorities are as unpredictable as the stock market after a presidential tweetstorm. Who needs arguments about social justice and equality when we can have a raucous arena filled with cheerleaders and monster trucks, reminding us all that life’s true meaning can be found in a perfectly executed cartwheel and a 10,000-pound truck crushing a Prius?

The people have spoken, and they demand more cheerleaders and monster trucks. And really, who could blame them?