In a stunning turn of events that left political pundits’ heads spinning faster than a CNN fact-checker, former President Donald Trump has revealed his ambitious plans to construct a brand-new official Presidential Residence, not in a swanky neighborhood of Washington, D.C., but inside the very walls of his Georgia jail cell.
With a characteristic flair for the dramatic, Trump held a press conference via Zoom from his cell, where he outlined his vision for the luxurious digs. “Folks, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m building the greatest presidential residence the world has ever seen, right here in my cell,” he declared, his voice echoing off the cinderblock walls.
The plans for the Presidential Residence include a replica Oval Office complete with a gold-plated Resolute Desk (it’s fake gold, but still very, very shiny), a Situation Room with a wall-mounted Twitter feed (because what’s a Situation Room without Twitter?), and a plush “Mar-a-Lago South” wing for when he’s feeling nostalgic for Florida’s sunny beaches. Melania Trump is rumored to be designing the “Melania Wing,” which will feature a spa, a fashion runway, and a “Be Best” room for all her initiatives.
The project is expected to be funded by the sales of “Trump Presidential Library” t-shirts and commemorative gold-plated shovels. Critics argue that the move is an elaborate scheme to get better prison food, but Trump insists it’s simply a tremendous idea. “It’s gonna be tremendous, folks. Believe me,” he concluded, before logging off to oversee the construction of his new presidential palace in the penitentiary.