The UK Parliament has announced that they have successfully narrowed down the search for a suspected Chinese spy to just two potential suspects: Jack Smith, a middle-aged librarian from Birmingham, and Ling Fei Chow Huang, a panda living in Edinburgh Zoo.

The investigation, which has been ongoing for several months, initially cast a wide net of suspicion over thousands of individuals with any connection to China. However, as the evidence mounted, authorities began to focus their attention on Smith and Huang.

Jack Smith, the unassuming librarian, was flagged when it was discovered that he had borrowed a book about Chinese history from the library and once ordered Chinese takeout for lunch. “We couldn’t ignore the overwhelming evidence,” said Inspector Nigel Thompson. “Clearly, this man had an insatiable appetite for all things Chinese.”

On the other hand, Ling Fei Chow Huang, the Edinburgh Zoo panda, raised suspicions due to her extensive knowledge of bamboo and her suspiciously close relationship with the Chinese government. “We’ve seen her cosying up to Chinese diplomats during their visits to the zoo,” said Thompson. “And let’s not forget the fact that she’s been caught on camera eating bamboo, a known Chinese plant. It’s all very incriminating.”

The investigation has sent shockwaves through the UK political landscape, with some demanding that both suspects be immediately apprehended and subjected to intense interrogations. Others, however, are urging caution, suggesting that the evidence against Smith and Huang may be purely circumstantial.

In response to the accusations, Jack Smith stated, “I just really like Chinese food, okay? General Tso’s chicken is delicious.” Meanwhile, Ling Fei Chow Huang offered no comment, as she was too busy munching on a fresh stalk of bamboo.

As the investigation continues, the UK Parliament is left with a perplexing choice: is their spy a mild-mannered librarian with a penchant for takeout, or a bamboo-munching panda with diplomatic connections? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain – this is one spy thriller that no one saw coming.