In a stroke of genius that’s sure to leave would-be migrants scratching their heads, the Tories have unveiled their groundbreaking strategy to tackle cross-channel migration: billboards featuring the scenic wonders of Middlesbrough.

“We figured, why risk life and limb crossing the English Channel when you could be living the dream in Middlesbrough?” exclaimed a government spokesperson, apparently blissfully unaware of the distinct lack of palm trees and turquoise waters in this Northern gem.

The billboards, set to adorn the Calais landscape, showcase Middlesbrough’s architectural marvels, vibrant nightlife, and industrial charm. One particularly riveting billboard captures the majesty of a roundabout, with the caption: “Who needs the Champs-Élysées when you’ve got the thrill of Marton Road?”

Critics argue that this strategy may be too effective, as there are fears that once migrants get a glimpse of Middlesbrough, they might reconsider any desire to set foot on British soil altogether.

“We’re not saying Middlesbrough isn’t a fantastic place,” clarified the government spokesperson, “but it’s like a vaccine for the migratory urge. Once you’ve seen these billboards, you’ll be questioning if crossing the Channel is worth it.”

The plan has received mixed reactions. Some applaud the Tories for their innovative approach, while others are left wondering if this isn’t just a clever ploy to promote Middlesbrough tourism.

“We’re tackling two birds with one stone,” chuckled the spokesperson. “Border control and boosting the local economy – it’s a win-win!”

As the billboards prepare to make their debut in Calais, only time will tell if Middlesbrough’s charm can indeed be a deterrent to those seeking greener pastures across the Channel.