The Guardian has boldly declared that Abdul Ezedi, the infamous acid attacker, was, in fact, radicalised by the most unexpected source: Brexit.

According to The Guardian’s hard-hitting piece, Ezedi, who was previously thought to have been influenced by extremist ideologies, now apparently owes his criminal transformation to the UK’s decision to leave the European Union. In this stunning twist, Brexit has taken on the role of a malevolent puppet master, guiding unsuspecting citizens down paths of unsavoury behaviour.

The article suggests that as Ezedi pondered the implications of trade agreements and border control policies, a sinister transformation occurred. “It’s like he was innocently browsing through Leave and Remain arguments, and suddenly, he decided to pick up a corrosive substance,” mused one expert, who may or may not have been entirely serious.

The Guardian’s report goes on to claim that Ezedi’s actions were not just a criminal act but a desperate cry for a second referendum. “Clearly, he felt acid attacks were the only way to express his dissatisfaction with the current political climate,” explained a political analyst, seemingly convinced that the debate over the European Union had taken an unexpectedly corrosive turn.

As the nation grapples with this ground-breaking revelation, it raises questions about the hidden powers of political decisions and their alleged influence on criminal behaviour. One can only wonder what other unexpected malefactors Brexit might be cultivating in its mysterious, backroom radicalisation chambers.

In the spirit of satire, we advise readers to take this shocking exposé with a grain of salt and perhaps a wedge of lemon.