Members of the Conservative Party have vehemently insisted they’re “not thinking about” Reform UK, all while obsessively refreshing Nigel Farage’s Instagram stories from a series of suspiciously named fake accounts.
“We are entirely focused on delivering for the British people,” declared a Tory spokesperson, nervously glancing at his phone. “The idea that we’re even slightly concerned about what Reform UK or Nigel Farage are doing is utterly preposterous.”
However, recent leaks have revealed a different story. Under a flurry of pseudonyms such as “RealBritishPatriot” and “TrueBlueBrexitFan”, it appears that senior Conservatives are eagerly keeping tabs on every meme, pub selfie, and cryptic political hint that Farage posts.
“We’ve all seen them,” said a parliamentary insider. “Boris is particularly fond of his account ‘ChurchillLover123’, though everyone knows it’s him. The whole cabinet is constantly whispering about what Farage’s latest fish-and-chip dinner post might imply about his next political move.”
Despite their public disavowals, the Tories’ private fixation on Farage’s social media antics has become the worst-kept secret in Westminster. The tension is palpable as they simultaneously attempt to distance themselves from Reform UK while ensuring they’re up-to-date on every possible threat or opportunity posed by their charismatic rival.
“Look, we just admire his… dedication to British cuisine,” one MP weakly protested when caught scrolling through Farage’s story featuring his third pint of ale for the evening.
As the Tories scramble to maintain the façade, the irony of their situation hasn’t been lost on the public. “It’s like a high school drama,” laughed one political commentator. “They’re like teenagers claiming not to care about their ex while secretly stalking their every move on social media.”
For now, the Conservative Party continues to walk this curious tightrope, publicly ignoring Reform UK while privately glued to their phones, hoping to glean some insight from the very man they insist isn’t worth their time.
Meanwhile, Farage remains blissfully unaware of the digital crowd gathering around his every post, or perhaps he’s just relishing the attention. Either way, the saga promises to deliver more chuckles than a week’s worth of Prime Minister’s Questions.
