Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer announced this week that anyone who purchased the viral protest song “Freezing This Christmas” will face prosecution under the country’s hate crime laws.
“This is simply far-right thuggery masquerading as music,” declared Starmer, while sipping what appeared to be a latte so artisanal it required its own pronouns. “The idea that ordinary people can criticize the government for energy policies they don’t understand is not just offensive, it’s downright dangerous.”
The song, which humorously laments the cost-of-living crisis with lines like, “We’ll be boiling tea lights for warmth this Christmas,” has topped charts, drawing ire from Labour’s cultural commissars. Critics within the party have labeled it a gateway anthem to “climate denial,” “populism,” and “failing to recycle properly.”
Starmer insists the song’s true danger lies in its potential to “undermine social cohesion.” “By pointing out the obvious consequences of our energy policies, these so-called artists are fostering division at a time when we need unity,” he explained.
Under the new enforcement measures, police will be empowered to knock on doors and confiscate any devices containing the offending track. To streamline the process, Spotify has reportedly agreed to turn over the data of all users who streamed the song more than three times.
“We want to send a clear message that freedom of expression is no excuse for holding the government accountable,” said a Labour spokesperson, who refused to be named but was wearing a “Decarbonize or Die” T-shirt.
The crackdown has already drawn praise from activists. A representative from Extinction Rebellion lauded Starmer’s “courage” in criminalizing the song, calling it “a hate-filled anthem against the green transition.”
The average Brit, however, seems less convinced. One disgruntled Londoner, John Smythe, told The Upper Lip, “It’s ironic, isn’t it? They’re prosecuting us for hate crimes while we’re sitting here, freezing, because we can’t afford the heating bills their policies made worse. Maybe next year we’ll be arrested for singing ‘God Save the King.’”
Despite the backlash, Starmer’s team remains undeterred. In a follow-up statement, he clarified, “We’re not here to punish ordinary Britons. We’re just here to educate them… with fines, arrests, and maybe a short stint in prison if necessary.”
Labour insiders are reportedly planning to unveil a counter-campaign next week featuring a new, state-approved Christmas carol: “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Net Zero.” Early reviews suggest it might not be topping charts anytime soon.
