The ongoing Partygate inquiry took a peculiar twist as officials vehemently denied any claims of a witch hunt while simultaneously subjecting Prime Minister Boris Johnson to an extraordinary test. During a press conference held in a picturesque village, surrounded by pitchfork-wielding villagers, the inquiry’s spokesperson unveiled their unconventional approach to determining innocence or guilt.
“We want to assure everyone that this is not a witch hunt,” declared the spokesperson, trying to make themselves heard above the cacophony of quacking ducks and ominous music playing in the background. “To prove our commitment to fairness, we have devised a foolproof test inspired by ancient traditions. We shall bind the Prime Minister’s hands and feet and toss him into this village pond. If he floats, well, you know what that means!”
As stunned onlookers exchanged bewildered glances, the spokesperson continued, “You see, according to our extensive research on sorcery and buoyancy, if Boris floats, it clearly indicates a supernatural involvement, suggesting his guilt in the alleged wrongdoing. But if he sinks like a rock, it proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is innocent and not a witch.”
Critics of the inquiry were quick to voice their concerns, questioning the scientific validity of the “float test” and its relevance to the allegations at hand. However, the spokesperson dismissed such objections, assuring everyone that this was a perfectly reasonable and effective method.
“We understand that some may find this approach unusual, but rest assured, it is rooted in centuries-old wisdom and folklore,” the spokesperson explained. “We are merely adapting these time-honored traditions for the modern political landscape. We have consulted renowned experts in witchcraft, hydrodynamics, and Monty Python sketches to devise this groundbreaking test.”
As the press conference concluded, villagers began chanting, “Float or sink, float or sink!” while the inquiry’s officials prepared to carry out their peculiar experiment. Prime Minister Boris Johnson, looking equal parts perplexed and damp, found himself at the center of this extraordinary spectacle, all in the name of transparency and fairness.
It remains to be seen how this unique approach will impact the Partygate inquiry and its conclusions. But one thing is for certain: The world will be watching as Boris takes the plunge, defying the laws of physics and political scandals in a bid to prove his innocence.