BBC executives have recently found themselves confounded by the decline in their programme quality, ultimately admitting that they don’t actually watch their own shows because they’re simply not worth the price of the licence fee.

“We were scratching our heads, wondering why viewership was dwindling,” a high-ranking BBC official commented, twirling a fidget spinner absentmindedly. “Then it hit us like a wet noodle – maybe people aren’t tuning in because our shows are about as exciting as watching paint dry while stuck in a traffic jam.”

BBC’s programming has often been praised for its distinct ability to send even the most caffeinated individuals into an impromptu nap. From sleep-inducing historical dramas that make counting sheep feel exhilarating, to panel shows that make clock-watching seem like an adrenaline sport, it seems the network’s charm lies in its uncanny ability to drain the zest from the most energetic souls.

“We were wondering if our content was too intellectual for the masses,” the BBC executive mused, glancing wistfully at a stack of rejected reality show proposals. “But then we realized that even quantum physicists would rather solve a jigsaw puzzle blindfolded than endure our line-up.”

In a last-ditch effort to turn things around, the BBC reportedly considered adding dramatic sound effects to their news broadcasts and incorporating surprise appearances by wildlife into their documentaries. However, sources say the executives were met with skepticism, as even a squirrel riding a unicycle couldn’t mask the undeniable fact that viewers were choosing to spend their time elsewhere.

As the network grapples with its identity crisis, one can only hope that BBC bosses will eventually realize that if they want people to watch their shows, they might just have to create content that’s as engaging as…well, almost anything else on the planet. Until then, viewers can enjoy the riveting saga of watching the network struggle to identify why they’re losing their audience, all while clutching their remote controls and wondering if Netflix has any new releases.