The always-controversial Russell Brand has devised a genius plan to divert media attention away from his latest escapades. Reports confirm that Brand has obtained Jeffrey Epstein’s client list and is using it as a makeshift invisibility cloak to shield himself from the prying eyes of journalists.

Our investigative team, armed with a keen sense of satire and an absurdity radar, uncovered this covert operation during a late-night yoga session in Brand’s secret meditation garden. Witnesses say they saw Brand huddled over the infamous list, muttering something about “energetic vibrations” and “distractions from my enlightenment journey.”

Brand, known for his philosophical rants and penchant for alternative viewpoints, has allegedly figured out that wrapping oneself in the cloak of Epstein’s misdeeds is a surefire way to become invisible to the mainstream media. It’s a bold strategy, but if there’s anyone audacious enough to pull it off, it’s Russell Brand.

The actor-turned-philosopher, draped in what can only be described as the VIP list of scandal, confidently strolled into a local coffee shop, sipped on a chai latte, and engaged in deep conversations about the cosmic significance of beard grooming.

While critics argue that this move is just another example of Brand’s eccentricity, his supporters commend the innovative approach to privacy. “He’s transcending the celebrity gossip matrix and entering a higher plane of existence,” said one fan, who claims to have achieved enlightenment after binge-watching Brand’s YouTube channel.

As the media tries to make sense of this peculiar development, one thing is certain: Russell Brand has once again proven that when it comes to avoiding the limelight, he’s willing to wrap himself in anything, even if it’s the notorious client list of Jeffrey Epstein. Stay tuned for updates, or don’t, because Brand is in control of the narrative now.