In a dazzling display of mental gymnastics, former Cabinet minister Suella Braverman has announced plans to deliver a resignation speech despite the small detail of being fired. Braverman, renowned for her legal acumen, claims that her resignation happened in the realm of thought before Rishi Sunak could utter the actual words of termination.

“It’s all about timing,” Braverman declared with a confident smile. “I’m simply lightyears ahead in the resignation game. While Rishi was wrapping up his ‘you’re fired’ speech, I was already mentally sunbathing on a beach of newfound freedom.”

The self-proclaimed master of preemptive resignations has decided to turn her termination into a grand affair, complete with a podium, microphones, and a meticulously crafted speech that’s more about her imagined departure than the reality of being let go.

“I’ve always believed in manifesting my destiny,” Braverman explained. “And today, my destiny involves graciously resigning in a parallel universe where I quit before I was fired.”

Some critics argue that this move is simply a ploy to steal the spotlight and control the narrative around her exit. Braverman, however, dismisses such notions, asserting that she’s merely adapting to the post-modern, post-employment world where facts are negotiable, and reality is just a suggestion.

As the nation braces for a resignation speech from someone who technically doesn’t hold the job anymore, Braverman’s bold move raises questions about the power of positive thinking, or in this case, the power of thinking you’ve already resigned. One thing is certain – in the parallel universe of political theatrics, Suella Braverman is playing the lead role.