Scientists have declared GB News, the British news network, as the primary culprit behind climate change. Move over carbon emissions, it turns out Piers Morgan’s hot takes and Andrew Neil’s incisive commentary are the real threats to our planet.
Leading climate scientists, after extensive research, have concluded that the sheer intensity of hot air generated in GB News studios is contributing significantly to global warming. The 24-hour news channel, known for its unapologetically right-leaning perspectives, is now under scrutiny for allegedly pumping out more hot air than a thousand hairdryers in a sauna.
Dr. Emma Green, the lead researcher, expressed her concern, stating, “We always knew media could be a powerful influencer, but we never expected it to have such a direct impact on the Earth’s thermostat. It’s like they’ve weaponized conservative viewpoints against the climate!”
Environmental activists are now calling for GB News to be labeled a hazardous emitter and for Andrew Neil to be fitted with a carbon capture device to offset the damage caused by every episode of “Woke Watch.”
GB News, however, remains defiant, with its hosts dismissing the claims as just another example of left-wing climate hysteria. Nigel Farage, now also considered a climate villain, retorted, “If telling the truth and questioning the establishment contribute to climate change, then so be it!”
As the debate rages on, climate change activists are left contemplating whether carbon offsets can be purchased in the form of subscription fees to alternative news networks. And thus, in the bizarre world of satirical news, the battle against climate change takes an unexpected twist with the blame laid squarely on the shoulders of a newsroom full of opinionated pundits.