The Tories have unveiled their ground-breaking plan to tackle the courts backlog: simply find everyone innocent. This innovative strategy, inspired by the roaring success of clearing the immigration backlog by granting asylum to 30,000 people, promises to streamline the justice system like never before.

“We’ve seen how well it worked with immigration, so why not bring that same magic to the courts?” remarked an enthusiastic government spokesperson, apparently embracing a ‘just say yes’ philosophy.

In an era where efficiency is king, the Tories have decided to cut through the red tape by skipping the tedious process of determining guilt or innocence. Instead, they’re opting for a more time-effective approach: a universal presumption of innocence for all.

Critics argue that this move might undermine the very fabric of the justice system, but proponents insist that it’s a small price to pay for speed and efficiency. “Justice delayed is justice denied, right?” chimed in a government official, shrugging off concerns about the potential impact on, well, justice.

The campaign posters for the initiative boast slogans like “Innocence for All – Because Who Has Time for Trials?” and “Guilty until Proven Innocent was Too Complicated Anyway.”

Legal experts are raising eyebrows at the audacity of the plan, but the government seems unfazed. “We’ve cracked the code with immigration, and now we’re bringing that wisdom to the courtroom,” declared a confident minister, presumably ready to fast-track the path to innocence for all.

As the Tories embark on this ambitious venture, only time will tell if a one-size-fits-all presumption of innocence can truly revolutionize the justice system or if, perhaps, it’s just another chapter in the never-ending saga of political satire turned reality.