England manager Gareth Southgate has come out as transgender, boldly rebranding himself as They/Them Southgate in a bid to avoid the managerial chopping block. This unprecedented announcement was greeted with immediate and unyielding support from the Football Association (FA), who hailed the decision as a groundbreaking step forward for inclusivity in football.
“Gareth… I mean, They/Them Southgate is now an untouchable figure in English football,” proclaimed an FA spokesperson with a tear of pride in their eye. “We stand firmly behind They/Them, as we would with any manager brave enough to make such a courageous and progressive move.”
The announcement came just as Southgate’s tenure as England manager appeared to be on shaky ground, with critics calling for his resignation after a series of underwhelming performances. But with one strategic stroke, Southgate has not only sidestepped the sack but also secured a permanent place in the FA’s diversity hall of fame.
“From now on, questioning They/Them’s tactical decisions is not just poor sportsmanship – it’s outright bigotry,” noted a leading sports pundit. “They/Them Southgate is a pioneer, and we must protect their position at all costs.”
Fans were quick to express their mixed reactions. “I just wanted a new manager who could actually win us something,” sighed one longtime supporter. “But I guess this is the modern game.”
Others, however, were ecstatic about the move. “This is the best thing to happen to English football since the invention of the offside rule,” tweeted a jubilant fan. “Now we can focus on what really matters: breaking barriers and smashing gender norms.”
Rumors are already swirling that the FA is planning a grand rebranding campaign to support They/Them Southgate, with proposals ranging from rainbow-colored kits to the introduction of gender-neutral goalposts.
In the meantime, They/Them Southgate is expected to continue leading the England squad with a newfound sense of purpose and an indestructible job security shield. “Football is not just about winning games,” They/Them Southgate declared in an emotional press conference. “It’s about winning hearts and minds.”
As the nation rallies behind its newly crowned beacon of inclusivity, one thing is clear: in the world of English football, the only thing more powerful than a winning streak is a woke streak.
