Researchers have discovered that the only two demographics still wearing masks are hypochondriac liberals and, surprisingly, bank robbers. This startling revelation has left many scratching their heads and pondering the curious choices made by these groups.
The study, conducted by the Institute of Societal Quirks and Eccentricities (ISQE), aimed to uncover the last vestiges of mask-wearing in a post-pandemic world. What they found was a peculiar dichotomy of behaviors that defied explanation.
First, let’s examine the hypochondriac liberals. These individuals, often characterized by their fervent devotion to organic kale smoothies and the latest health fads, seem to have taken a liking to their face coverings. According to Dr. Amelia Pseudoscience, the lead researcher of the study, “Hypochondriac liberals have developed an almost symbiotic relationship with their masks. They claim it’s for ‘extra protection,’ but it’s more likely because they’ve grown attached to the feeling of perpetual safety.”
Hypochondriac liberals were seen wearing masks even in open fields, at home alone, and during Zoom calls where no one could see their faces. Some have even taken to wearing multiple masks simultaneously, just in case.
But the truly confounding discovery was the continued mask-wearing among bank robbers. You might think that criminals, known for their disregard of laws, would be the first to ditch the face coverings once the pandemic subsided. However, it appears that bank robbers have found masks to be quite useful in their line of work.
Sgt. Hank Lawman, a seasoned police officer, had this to say: “It’s baffling. These criminals are committing felonies with masks on. It’s almost as if they’ve decided that the best way to blend in during a robbery is to look like everyone else in the grocery store.”
The ISQE study found that bank robbers are increasingly fashion-conscious when it comes to their mask choices, with some opting for designer brands and others going for the classic ski mask look. It seems that, for bank robbers, masks have become the must-have accessory for any heist.
As the nation grapples with these perplexing findings, one thing is clear: the world is a strange and unpredictable place. Whether it’s hypochondriac liberals clinging to their masks or bank robbers using them as disguise, the quirks of human behaviour never cease to amaze.