Russian President Vladimir Putin has assured the world that his ongoing invasion of Ukraine is proceeding “remarkably well.” Sources close to the Kremlin reveal that this rosy assessment comes from Putin’s current location: Day 589 of his unexpected vacation in North Korea.
As Putin strolls through Pyongyang’s historical sites and samples the local cuisine (mostly rice and more rice), he is reportedly engaged in intense negotiations with the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un for a cache of vintage weapons straight from the ’50s. These weapons, often regarded as antiques even in military circles, are apparently crucial to the success of Putin’s modern military campaign.
The irony is not lost on observers as the leader of a nuclear superpower resorts to bartering with a nation that has perfected the art of “food not bombs.” Some speculate that Putin is enamored with the retro-chic aesthetic of Soviet-era weaponry, while others believe he’s attempting to bridge the generation gap by introducing a touch of mid-century flair to his arsenal.
In a joint press conference with Kim Jong-un, Putin declared, “Our military strategy is time-tested, just like these vintage weapons we’re acquiring. You can never go wrong with classics!”
As the days tick on, and Putin continues his diplomatic sightseeing tour in North Korea, the world watches with bated breath to see if his invasion will indeed benefit from the addition of weapons that are not only outdated but also come with complimentary ration coupons.
