The Football Association has announced plans to ban the ‘right-wing’ position from all future matches. Citing concerns about the potentially divisive nature of this political alignment, the FA is determined to create a football utopia where politics and sports never collide.
In a press release, the FA stated, “We believe in a football field where players can dribble down the field without the looming threat of right-wing influence. It’s time to kick extremism off the pitch, quite literally.”
Critics argue that this decision is a bit over the top, given that the ‘right-wing’ position on the field has historically been responsible for some impressive plays and strategic moves. “What’s next? Banning the left wing for being too liberal with their passes?” questioned one befuddled fan.
In response to concerns about the potential confusion caused by this decision, the FA assured everyone that they have a comprehensive plan in place. “We’ll simply refer to it as the ‘alternative right’ position. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
The new guidelines also include sensitivity training for footballs to ensure they don’t exhibit any biased spinning patterns. Additionally, referees will undergo workshops on detecting microaggressions in player celebrations.
While some applaud the FA’s commitment to inclusivity, others fear that removing the ‘right-wing’ position is just the first step toward a football dystopia where players are only allowed to kick the ball in politically correct ways.
As the debate kicks off, the Football Association remains steadfast in their pursuit of a ‘woke’ football future, where every goal is a triumph for progress and every match is a step closer to a politically neutral utopia.
