Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer has offered a new take on gender identity, declaring, “A woman cannot have a penis. Apart from at weekends.”

The announcement came during a particularly lively press conference, where journalists struggled to contain their laughter as Starmer unveiled Labour’s latest policy update.

“Our position is clear and inclusive,” Starmer asserted, adjusting his tie. “During the week, biological definitions must be respected. But come the weekend, we believe in the freedom for individuals to express their gender identity as they see fit. It’s about balance and respecting diversity while acknowledging practical realities.”

Political commentators were quick to pounce on Starmer’s statement. “It’s a bold move, even for Labour,” said one pundit. “He’s effectively turned the weekend into a gender fluid free-for-all. I can’t wait to see how this plays out in the local pubs.”

Social media erupted with a mixture of amusement and bewilderment. Memes of “Weekend Penises” began circulating immediately, featuring everything from festive costumes to cocktail attire. One particularly popular meme showed a stern Starmer holding a calendar with the weekends circled in bright pink.

While some within the Labour Party praised Starmer’s attempt to navigate the contentious issue of gender identity, others privately admitted to being confused by the new stance. “I think what Keir is trying to say is that identity is complex,” offered one Labour MP. “Or maybe he’s just trying to make sure we have something to talk about at our next conference.”

Meanwhile, Conservative MPs couldn’t hide their delight. “It’s the gift that keeps on giving,” chuckled one Tory backbencher. “We’ll have a field day with this come election time. We’re already drafting leaflets: ‘Vote Labour for Weekend Penises!'”

Starmer, undeterred by the backlash, doubled down. “This is about progressive values,” he insisted. “We can’t be stuck in the past. We must embrace the future, where gender identity is as flexible as a weekend schedule.”

As the press conference wrapped up, one journalist shouted, “Does this mean the weekend starts on Friday night?” Starmer paused, considered for a moment, then smiled. “I’ll leave that to the discretion of the individual.”

Only time will tell if Labour’s new policy will resonate with voters or become the latest chapter in the increasingly surreal saga of British politics. But one thing is certain: weekends will never be the same again.